Jo Ann’s Journal

I was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday.  I’ve told my family and employer.    I awoke this morning with my first thought being, “Now what?”  I feel like I’m watching this happen to someone else, not me.  It’s a surreal experience for me.  I’m not angry.   I’m not scared.  I’m in new, unchartered territory for me and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.

Today is a planned vacation day from work so Bob & I can attend an annual weekend gathering of cousins at a country site.  Bob’s employer called him into work on an emergency, so we are not able to leave when planned.  That gives me the morning at home alone instead of getting on the road early.  This is a blessing because I tend to be a person of action, and I want to do something in connection with this “thing” that is suddenly in my life.  I decide the first thing I need to do is learn every detail I can about breast cancer.    I feel like I need to know a whole lot more than I currently know.

Since this is an unexpected opportunity, I turn to what is immediately available to me.  I watch the  Beyond the Shock video (see  http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/About-Breast-Cancer/Beyond-The-Shock.aspx ), which I’ve watched before.  I guess it is only natural that I am much more attentive to every topic and bullet point than I was before.  By the time I finish watching and re-watching it, I have seven pages of notes typed on my computer.  I am especially interested in the stages/types of breast cancer, treatments and side effects of those possible treatments.  It all seems very pertinent now.  I think I must be either a stage 0 or stage 1.  Even though I’ve never heard of anyone with a stage 0, I decide that it is reasonable to hope for.

Later in the morning, my family doctor, Dr. M., calls me with some surgeon referrals.  The biopsy report has been sent to her.  She explains the expected process: 

·         Pick a surgeon & have initial appointment

·         Surgeon will hook me up with an oncologist

·         Have an MRI – it shows everything going on with the breasts

·         Have surgery

·         Start Chemo – probably 6 months, but may not be too intensive with a small tumor

·         Maybe do some radiation as well.

To hear the word “oncologist” referred to in reference to me is a shock.  All of a sudden the experience is no longer surreal, but very real.  Something inside me clicked.  This is happening to me.   I’m going to have an oncologist!   Even with a small tumor, this is still breast cancer and I still have to go through the process to get rid of the cancer.  If it had not been found, it would have continued to grow and eventually taken my life.  I am overwhelmed.

I pick out a surgeon, Dr. A, from the list recommended by Dr. M, and make an appointment.  I just can’t face the thought of the process that  Dr. M. laid out.  I decide that she just doesn’t know how early this detection is and I refuse to accept that my treatment will follow Dr. M’s list. I guess a little of my rebellious nature has surfaced.   

I am anxious to see the surgeon next week so I can find out what my personal treatment will actually be. 

I will survive!  I will thrive! ~ Jo Ann