Jo Ann’s Journal

My mind is numb.  This is crazy.  I just hung up the telephone from a doctor I’ve only met once, and don’t even know her name, informing me that I have breast cancer.  No one in my world knows but me.  I feel like I’m in a huge vacuum in a science lab and the rest of the world is outside my vacuum, unable to make connection with me.

Today is Bosses’ Day and I hear my fellow employees gathering in the kitchen.  It is time for a piece of a big cookie and a little laughter as the staff enjoy each other and honor Janelle, the Founder and CEO of NBCF.  I move to the kitchen, but even as everyone is laughing and enjoying friendship that comes from working together, I continue to feel like I’m in a vacuum.  I don’t feel overly emotional, I just feel empty and like I can’t breathe.  I try to act “natural,” and guess I succeed, because no one notices anything unusual.  I mention to Janelle, herself a breast cancer survivor, that I need to speak with her when she finishes the meeting she’s currently taking a break from.

Not long after we return to our offices, I am called to Neal’s office, the Cofounder, to help him with something.  Neal asks me again if I have heard from the biopsy. 

I answer in a weak voice, “Yes.  It’s malignant.”

Neal responds, “What?!”  I repeat my answer and am somehow strengthened by his response.  I feel like I can breathe again.  I explain that it appears to be an early detection and therefore shouldn’t be too bad.  I head back to my office.

Neal has lived through breast cancer with Janelle, and as Cofounder of NBCF, knows thousands of breast cancer stories.  Fortunately, Neal was wise enough not to believe me as I attempted to convince him and myself that my having breast cancer was not scary.

I am back in my office for maybe a total of 30 seconds when Janelle and the COO, Kevin, are out of their meeting and in my office.  Obviously, Neal had interrupted the meeting and told them my diagnosis.  I am surrounded with emotional care and support from them.  I can’t imagine having more supportive friends and employers. They tell me that my cancer probably has not spread, since it is small, and that it is probably very treatable.

I hope the hardest part is over, I’ve told someone that I have cancer.  I’ve talked about it.  Now, I need to tell my family.

As luck would have it, I have to tell my husband and kids one at a time.  My nineteen year old son, Danny, is home when I get home from work.  He meets me in the living room and asks immediately if I have the results from the biopsy.  I almost feel like he’s been waiting on pins and needles for me.  I tell him that the spot was malignant, but that it is small and probably has not spread.  I work really hard at not scaring him and it seems to work.  Danny is a very caring young man and I can just feel his love.  I’ve told one of the three most important people in my life that I have cancer and have survived the process without breaking down.  Danny was a good one to start with.

Danny and I meet my husband, Bob, at a computer store to take care of some pressing errands.  Danny wants me to tell Bob about the biopsy results in the store, but I don’t want to tell him there.  We head over to a burger shop for a quick dinner.  Once we are at a table with the food, Danny again prods me to tell Bob.  For some reason, I was afraid he would fall apart on me.  After all, this did not turn out to be benign like we thought it would.  I finally tell him that I got the results on the biopsy.  He responds calmly, caring and with strength.  I should have trusted Bob to be himself and respond the way the Lord has made him.  I don’t think he can get his mind around it yet, but he is definitely the man God provided as my help mate, to help me through this.  I feel so blessed, for the first time since I got the call from the doctor this afternoon.

Later in the evening, Laura, my 22 year old daughter, comes home from school.  She sits on the couch and asks what I know about the biopsy.  She asks a few questions and starts trying to figure out what happens next.  She seems so strong.  Laura is going to be a major help to me through the coming months.  I can tell her things and be comfortable that, although she has not experienced it, she understands.  Laura is engaged to be married and we are planning a wedding for in the spring, May to be exact.  There is much to do and she is excited and full of life. 

I have told the most important people in my life, my family.  I have told the people who are in my life daily at work.  Somehow, this makes my breast cancer real.  Tomorrow I start working on becoming a breast cancer survivor instead of a patient.

I will survive!  I will thrive! ~ Jo Ann

P.S. Please forgive me for being so long posting this blog.  I had a really hard time sitting down to write about sharing my news with others.  It was a very emotional blog for me.  Since I have drafted the next few blogs while I was trying to bring myself to write this one, entries should come faster now. ~ Jo Ann